A Little Love But Never Enough Love

I have a little history with emotionally-unavailable men, the type that make you delirious with intense feelings, then drain you.

As if love is not complicated enough without the added pressure of walking on eggshells around your partner and always being anxious about them. That fairy tale of the perfect connection often turns into endless turmoil and a lot of pushing and pulling.

Do I have the worst luck or I just meet the wrong men?

I lost my father at 12, moved to university at 16 and I’ve basically been away from home since then. With a body that stands out, you get all sorts of attention and nobody teaches you about these men on our side of town. At least nobody taught me. The only lesson I learned about men was endurance.

” You need to tolerate a man’s excesses if he at least handles his responsibilities ” ” You shouldn’t speak to a man like that ” ” Men are not very expressive, that’s how they all are” ” Don’t wear anklets men will think you’re a prostitute ”

The list is really long. I’d been socially conditioned to treat men / and be treated in a particular way but I didn’t realize it. This, plus my unconscious fear of abandonment and obsession with personal space would usually bring emotionally unavailable men my way, and the cycle would begin all over again.

At the beginning of the push-pull relationship, there is usually intense pursuit by the man, and if you’ve met any of them, sis, you know they take no prisoners. Eventually, I turn my attention to this man and in the honeymoon of it all, he begins to pull away and I’m wondering if I came on board a little later than I should have?

Ever felt like that?

The push-pull starts off very slowly in the beginning. But as the relationship continues, the push and the pull would become a constant in this intense relationship. One is always running while the other is always chasing.

We go back and forth while narrowly coming face-to-face with one another. It’s not that I don’t know that I deserve better, but it didn’t start off like that so I’d stubbornly hang on to threads. Then we turn to see each other in between chases, the passion ignites and the world seems to stand still. The love we feel and share in these fleeting and increasingly rare moments are what keeps the relationship alive.

These crumbs of love I’m fed when I get too grumpy is the reason I stay until it gets too painful to.

Some couples will stay in these relationships for a lifetime, feeding off the love and connection they feel in between chases.

I know what is not acceptable to me, but I found myself making concessions, making compromises I knew I had no business making. But love is pretty strong motivation.

“Next time he speaks to me like that I’ll leave” “Next time he stands me up I’ll leave” “Next time I ask what exactly we’re doing and he doesn’t give a good enough answer I’m leaving”

But you never do. Do you? Because there’s something poetic about that kind of love right? Because you just need to endure it a little longer it’ll all end well? No?

I remember when I was much younger and I had such lofty dreams about love. I’ve had to question my sanity and adulting level over it a couple of times because of the experiences I’ve had but I still have silly little dreams about love.

Relationships are not meant to cause us pain. Our relationships should feel easy, supportive, honest and loving. Settling for less is not an option, especially when you’re being the best version of yourself.

A person that loves you will express it, as often as they can and you’ll have no doubts. A person that repeatedly does hurtful things to you has no respect for you. A person that ghosts you shouldn’t even be in your life.

You’re not asking for too much, you’re just asking the wrong people. It’s okay to demand to be loved how you choose.

If it feels like just a little love but never enough for you, it’s not the right for you.

9 Comments Add yours

  1. Amy says:

    shouldn’t even be in your life.

    “You’re not asking for too much, you’re just asking the wrong people.”

    Word of the day

  2. Edna says:

    Just like you said, love isn’t meant to cause pain, but I would say love isn’t meant to cause SO MUCH pain. Love is pain itself, time and time again, you are in situations where you have to choose your partner over you. That’s pain in itself.
    If you can’t love me on mutually agreed terms, then fuck it and move. But as humans, we live with optimism, which in turn causes more harm than good.
    This is my dilemma though, I chose not to choose whom to love, because of several tidbits of ‘advice’ hanging over my head. We hear stuff like, you have to choose right, you can’t afford to be stuck with the wrong person and co. So here I am, I decided not to choose at all.

    1. Aaina says:

      that’s a strong decision, Edna. Being alone isn’t necessarily easier

  3. Funlola O says:

    So much reality in one piece.
    Captured perfectly, I was so drawn in, oh the memories!
    Well written Aina!

    1. Aaina says:

      Thank you mama.

  4. Not_a_Monster_I_swear says:

    It’s kind of an eye-opening rude awakening viewing this from the lens of someone on the other side of this equation. I call it Kiting (derived from “flying a Kite”). I used to wonder when I was much younger why a lot of my “close friends” got so angry and bitter at me eventually. In retrospect, I was kiting them, albeit semi-unconsciously! And no, I’m not making any excuses for such behaviour but I think I was genuinely not fully aware of the repercussions.

    In my mind, I was protecting myself from being heartbroken ever again. I had given my heart and it was shattered into a thousand pieces, and it hurt deeply, across space-time and different dimensions, it hurt. The kind of hurt that the mere memory of it triggers a panic attack and you can’t breathe. I am still emotionally taciturn to date because of this.

    So to every girl that I might have Kited knowingly or unknowingly, I am deeply sorry.

    1. Aaina says:

      This was quite a bit to read. As much as I have been victim, I’m guilty of some of these things myself. I bet a fair number of people will call me emotionally unavailable.

      The most important thing is that you’ve identified your toxic traits and you’re willing to do better. It’ll be nice to reach out to your friends if you can.

  5. Nonye says:

    ‘Relationships are not meant to cause us pain. Our relationships should feel easy, supportive, honest and loving. Settling for less is not an option, especially when you’re being the best version of yourself.’
    ~Aaina Dada

  6. Nonye says:

    ‘Relationships are not meant to cause us pain. Our relationships should feel easy, supportive, honest and loving. Settling for less is not an option, especially when you’re being the best version of yourself.’
    ~Aina Dada

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *