I’m challenging myself a bit more each day, confronting the things I will no longer run from. In the spirit of that, I’ve read a number of books these last months and all the authors told me to envision myself in 5-10 years and work backwards to now. I also started to seriously speak to all the adults in my Life; NYSC is over this month and real life kind of hits right about now. What do I do now? Where do I buy adult pants? I’ve conveniently hidden being a freelance content creator under the canopy of doing NYSC; It’s usually a bit of a task explaining what I do and how I get paid enough from it to people ( I actually do not get paid nearly enough but I can’t start explaining that either lol) and everyone says the same thing. Where do you see yourself in the future? Work back from there and start acting like that woman now.
So I sit in my tub one evening, (actually I sit in there every other evening ) and I’m thinking of my-future-self in 10 years. I can’t come up with a clear picture. Or any picture.
I do not see myself in 10 years.
The thought of this was horrifying. I COULD NOT PICTURE THE WOMAN I WANTED TO BE IN 10 YEARS.
Little wonder when I think about it now because if i’d continued at the rate I was going I’d have crashed somewhere long before then.
In 10 years I know i’ll wake up to run on the beach with my dog, grab coffee and watch the news after while I decide if I want to go to the Advertising agency where I’ll be Creative Director or visit my Business Complexes. Or sleep in. Big dreams right? I can only dream this because I stopped to think.
if 10 years away is impossible to see who am I right now? I literally went into hibernation and did completely nothing. I had to listen to myself think. My first thought was my greatest fear and I find it very interesting. I thought was failure was my greatest fear but it turns out it isn’t. My greatest fear is not being loved.
You’ll very likely be unable to truly love as long as you want things (and the people associated with them) to go your way.
We’ve been taught of Love as some sort of reward; In church it’s to chase after God and watch all things be added unto You, In life it’s this person does so much for You how can You not love them? He’s so perfect and he loves you how can You not love him? and so I grew up believing that in order to get love I have to give something, enough to earn it.
Here’s what happens, you eagerly give away at first; your time, money, space, emotions expecting something in return, and when you don’t get it or receive as much as you’d like you get disappointed.
Why is life so unfair?
With each time you push a little harder than the last, it’s that extra mile you go this time that’ll make all the difference.
“I’ll stand my ground a little less”, “Yes i’ll go with you”, “Yes you can come over”, ” Yes we can” even when you absolutely have no business saying yes.
Because I’m so scared that if I say no I’ll be a little less useful and a little less deserving of their love. ‘Oh my writing sucks and can you imagine my friends haven’t read my blogpost? ‘I need to dress a little more stylish to fit in with them’ ‘I need to give up some more of my values they’re old school anyway’… And yes compromise is okay but you know when you’ve crossed the line and it’s no longer compromise?
It can either be that they do, or they don’t. If they do, fantastic! Long live Love!
And If they don’t, that sucks. But that’s okay. And that’s me moving on to people that’ll love me when I have absolutely nothing to give.
Guess what? My writing will definitely suck, but someone will still find it amusing.
I will find it amusing.
And this isn’t one of those posts that you get a life-hack from, it’s just one telling you that you must love yourself enough to never go looking for love elsewhere. You will never be able to earn enough love to drown out the need for you to love yourself.
Meanwhile here’s some random pictures of me laughing in my new favorite spot in lagos, Lufasi park.